Monday, May 02, 2005
| Riding the Bus with My Indigestion First off, I have such bad indigestion today that it’s almost impossible to even crack a smile. Every time the bubble of hatred rises in my throat, I have to literally squeeze my eyes shut and pinch the skin on my hand in order to redirect the pain. I’ve never had acid reflux like this and I am so about to reach down my own throat to give my stomach the beating of its life. As most of you know, I’m currently dog sitting for the most adorable little shit I’ve ever seen. He’s like the best dog ever, but for some reason every time I take him out for a walk, there’s some sort of dog related drama. For example, on Friday afternoon, I was walking Rio out the front door of my building at the same time that another (much bigger and more ferocious) dog was entering. The scary dog freaked out and barked at a decibel that destroyed my ever sensitive eardrums. Of course Rio immediately freaked out and started barking again. I then dragged Rio outside the building with the barking reaching a level of pure chaos. Once outside this hilarious black woman screams out “I ain’t seen a dog fight like that since BROOKLYN!” Everyone died laughing, including me, and then I ran away as fast as I could. Then we walk around the corner and Rio decides to sit directly in front of a group of business men eating Subway. Rio looks the business men directly in the eyes as he proceeds to take a huge shit. The men stopped eating their sandwiches and looked at me as though I had done it on purpose. I nervously laughed and dragged the dog back to my apartment. For such a cute dog, he has this way of totally humiliating me – and ruining everyone’s lunch. Did anyone happen to catch the Hallmark movie on last night called Riding the Bus with My Sister? It just happened to be Rosie O’Donnell’s return to the small screen. I didn’t watch the movie as I was in the midst of Desperate Housewives and The L Word, but when I did switch over during the commercials, I found myself hysterically laughing. I will always love the Rosie (I just have to, please understand), but I will never love Rosie as a mentally challenged person. Everything that came out of her mouth made me piss on myself. I KNOW that I was supposed to be feeling empathy, but the only thing I could do was say “I’m Different!” over and over and over. To be fair, it’s VERY hard to play a character with this kind of disability. However, I’m not sure that this movie was supposed to be a comedy, yet the parts I saw had me rolling on my bedroom floor. One other thing…I work with a complete and utter douchebag. He is my age and was hired into one of the highest level jobs in my organization. Aside from the fact that he LOOKS like a complete tool, his “better than thou” personality does nothing but ruin any chance he ever had of being cool. I can’t stand the man and every time he CLOMPS past my desk, I want to reach out and rip his 2 inch dick off and shove it up his tight ass. In a way that sounded hot, but in a way, it makes me want to ruin his life. I HATE DORKS who think they’re cooler than me! Cuz really…who’s cooler than ME?! Shit. The jeans I’m wearing today feel like spandex. It’s not like I gained weight over the weekend, but these particular jeans make it look like I’m walking around on blue tree trunks. Lord. Why did I even wear these today? I just know I’m going to bend over to pick up a piece of cake off the ground and my ass is going to bust through and make an appearance. Luckily I don’t even LIKE cake. Ok, that’s it for today. I came in here to write about something somewhat interesting today, but instead you get tight jeans, dog shit, and douchbag co-workers. Eat it and love it. |
